Well, this blog has been written and re-written over and over and I have gone back and forth about posting this since about mid-April. I promised real on this blog and well…. This is REAL. If you are beginning to read this and you are someone who may have been close to my little brother, this blog may not be for you and you might want to stop reading. If you are my DAD, you most definitely want to stop reading…and well, if you are still reading at this point, then here goes.
As the title of my post suggests, it has indeed been 4 years and a bucket full of tears. Not all sad tears, a lot of happy ones too. A lot of tears that taught me more about myself than I ever knew they could…
I don’t like late night calls. On April 11th, 2010 at a little after 10 pm my world was rocked! Evan and I had just returned from a wedding in Abilene and I was exhausted and fast asleep when my phone began to ring. It was my cousin April. I rolled over, saw the call and thought she was returning a call about a pair of boots and decided I would call her in the morning. Then, about 3 minutes later my phone rang again. It was my dad. I quickly answered and heard my dad say words I never in all my life had imagined him saying. My brother had been in a car accident and had not survived. At first the only words I heard were accident and I kept waiting on him to tell me the name of the hospital, or where I needed to go, or how Matt was doing… but then the reality of my dad’s words hit and I realized none of these answers would be coming. There would be no visit to a hospital or any details about his condition. His condition was simply this: No longer with us.
I think there are a handful of anticipated deaths in life, including aging grandparents, friends and family with terminal illness, and the eventual loss of even your parents . The loss of my LITTLE brother was truly something that had never crossed my mind. If you know me and Matthew, you know very well that for many occasions in our life we were oil and water, fire and gasoline. We knew how to grind on each other’s nerves better than anyone else in the world. Isn’t that was siblings are for? After every knock down drag out fight, hateful words and years of annoying the heck out of each other I found myself longing for one more time to bicker with him and then make up. I wanted one more game of Mancala. One more tent in the living room made out of every blanket and chair in the house. One more late night hunting wild animals, and one more phone call as I was headed home asking how long until I got there.
This blog isn’t a poor me blog. I don’t write this for anyone to say they are sorry. Each and every blog post has one simple message. His plans are bigger than mine. I spent the days, months, and years following Matt’s accident learning just how true these words are. I can truly say I never questioned why. I have a great confidence knowing where my brother is and how deeply loved he is by our Heavenly father. In the last 4 years I have felt that same Heavenly father wrap His arms around me and hold me tighter than ever before, always knowing that He always has and always will have a greater plan than any I could ever dream or hope for.
He makes beauty from Ashes….
… and I mean that literally too. If you know about the events surrounding my brother’s accident, you may know that after my brothers 70 mph head on collision, his truck burst into flames and was simply left unrecognizable. For weeks after the accident the only question I did want answered is whether or not Matt suffered. I wanted to know if he had died instantly from the crash or spent even a second of breathe in pain while burning. I’ve now read the autopsy report and know that he did not suffer and that gives me great peace. Something else I deeply wanted was to find his necklace. So…. The next morning my step-mom and I set out to find it. We started with the scene of the accident, where I found the first piece of a puzzle that sticks with me every day of my life. This puzzle contains 5 pieces. Each of which I believe Matt left for me to remind me of some of the most important things in life.
The first was this… just on the side of the road where his truck had been, were shattered pieces of all of his CD’s (yes, even 4 years ago people were still listening to CD’s). These CD’are a daily reminder to me to have fun and dance through the hurt sometimes life may bring. Psalm 13:6 “I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me.” Music speaks to me in a way that not many other things do and I often hear Matt singing in his 3-4 year old, bright eyed, blonde-haired little boy voice, “Don’t tell my heart, my achy breaky heart…” Oh, I hope I never stop hearing the music and dancing along through life.
Our journey to find the necklace left the two of us down a country road at a tow truck yard. As we approached this place, we knew the 2 of us were about to see something we could never have imagined and would never forget. The last place my brother was alive. His truck. As we approached the truck, the tow truck man warned us that it was left in the condition it had been towed in… unrecognizable, burned, and still filled with sheets stained with blood and ashes. We took a chance and kept going anyways. As we began to sort through what was left, we carefully peeked through the windows and a door just surveying what was left. It seemed as if there was nothing left but we were desperate to find the necklace and kept looking anyways. What we found next was the next piece of my puzzle and probably the hardest to swallow.
As a said before, his truck had burned, and in turn Matthew had also. On the day of his funeral we were unable to bury him, as he was still being cremated and dental records were needed throughout the process to even identify his body. As I leaned in the driver door, I found the soles of his cowboy boots. I think it’s so interesting that they didn’t burn. It was as though they were left there just for me. These soles remind me daily to keep going. When things get hard, and it seems as though everything else is burning up around you, keep WALKING. Isaiah 43:2 “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” God is so faithful when we trust in Him while we walk through fire.
Soon after we found the soles, we began searching around the driver seat where his necklace may have fallen off or been left. Here, in the seat we found just the pockets of his jeans burned into the seat. As we peeled them off we noticed there was something hard inside of his front pocket. His cell phone that had barely been damaged and was still in one piece. This piece of my puzzle is a daily reminder that my family is only a phone call away. I was born into an incredibly close family for a reason. We probably drive people insane with exactly how close we are. But, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I have been immensely blessed to know that my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and even distant relatives always have been and always will be my greatest cheerleaders in life. I have full confidence in knowing that if I EVER needed anything at all, each of them would have my back and be there no matter what. All I have to do is pick up the phone and call.
Still no necklace by the way…
Next, I crawled in to the backseat and bed of the truck and found a puzzle piece that made me giggle. Guns and ammo. I mean would you expect anything less to be left in Matt’s truck? Matt was a hunter. He lived to make wild animal calls with his mouth and call out any creature he could. We spent hours growing up in the back of a truck looking for animals, or just walking around in the country trying to get into trouble with a gun. These badly damaged guns remind me daily to LIGHT up the world. J There is so much darkness around us, but I have been given a gift of lighting it up with my words, actions and attitude. I hope that as I interact with people they know me more by the ways I show His light than anything else. “In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.” Matthew 5:16
The last piece of my puzzle we never found. His necklace was forever lost, or burned that day and as angry as I was that we could not find it at the time I quickly learned that it was in fact only a symbol of the faith my brother carried with him every day of his life. He wore that necklace proudly, but not nearly as proudly as he openly carried who he was in Jesus, with him everywhere he went. He was known for his smile, compassionate heart and willingness to serve the dirty, the unclean, the forgotten, the unwanted. He lived his life in such a way that I know when Jesus greeted him at the gates, he loudly exclaimed, “Well done, good and faithful servant!” Matthew loved deeply, served greatly and took risks that very few 19 year old boys would take. He was never ashamed of who he was or what he was about. If only we could all walk out our faith that way.
So, still don’t believe that God’s plans our bigger than ours? Well, they are. He is good. He is faithful. He makes beauty from ashes and all things new. J I hope that if you ever find yourself in a deep dark place, looking for your own puzzle pieces to put your life back together and find hope, that your first instinct is to look up and know how very loved you are. Just think of all the light I found in this very dark vehicle.
I will always choose to find JOY in a greater plan.
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